Я нашел это в кэше Яндекса, больше нет нигде, оригинал удален. Но к распространению и чтению - обязательно.
The history of Tiger tank began many hundred of thousands years ago when several big species of Felidae(1) had decided to piss off gone of fashion and non-contemporary sabre teeth, gained tails and began to use new camo schemes. Despite of their sabre-toothed congener’s sneer they grew their tails patiently and investigated different type of camo thoroughly. After several dozens of thousands years of intensive work first tiger finally sharpened his claws on palm and then everything calmed down more or less until the thirties of 20th century.
Meanwhile Adolf Alois Schicklgruber (named Hitler in common ) came to power in Germany. Not more than 5 years after he started to incarnate his military megalomania fantasies. And PanzerWaffe didn’t stay apart of this process. First German tanks definitely weren’t treadle-driven as some unprincipled historians state but nevertheless they were called “tanks” only by obviously biased people. Fuhrer wanted something more… At the end of 1937 Henschel had secured an order to project some unit modestly called “fighting machine”. First made pre-production model wasn’t a tank in general and was assembled from two pieces by means of screw-bolts. Its chassis was conventional and nothing foreshadowed such horror which lied ahead to suffer by thousands of German technicians in 1943-45s. At this time progressive soviet methods of project management, when whole design groups were placed in special tightly closed placements where all condition for productive work were provided, were not used in Germany so when PanzerWaffe representatives came to examine experimental tank they saw something without turret laden with rails.
- Where is the tank? – asked tankmen.
- Right here – answered engineers.
- Well, in fact this is not a tank yet. This is first conceptual experimental prototype of pre-production model. – engineers said
- Why didn’t you make pre-production model at once?
- Well, in this case rush is not acceptable. Moreover we had tested some interesting ideas in this prototype.
One of the PanzerWaffe officers said that he has friends working in Gestapo, and if this thistle will be continued then new interesting ideas regarding pain barrier, breaking points of joints and other anatomical couplings and anatomy as a whole could be tested on engineers. Year was not passed and engineers presented second prototype. In order to avoid tankmen’s and Gestapo’s claims they quickly stick PzKpfw IV turret into it and proudly showed their work to PanzerWaffe representatives.
- So what? – asked tankmen
- Here! – proudly answered engineers
- What “here”? – sinisterly hissed Guderian and moved his hand to holster
Got and Manstein dragged him off then two of the first engineers came across were executed by shooting quickly for morale raising. This incident cheers up others unusually and new prototype appeared right in one year. It didn’t have the turret again but have something else.
Dark legend about engineer Knipkamp’s childhood was walking among Henschel’s employees. Evil stepmother forced poor kid to wash, wipe and arrange plates from morning to night. Endless rows of plates – that’s what remained in poor kid’s memory. Councilor of Reichs Ministry of Arms Knipkamp deals with his inferiority complexes for the time being however his project of automatic cannon firing discoid rounds scared the Ministry in its time up to several infarcts (witness told that acting sample mostly reminded infuriated dish-washing machine while barrel’s water cooling facility which gave cloud of vapor only intensified this impression ). So chief engineer Ervin Aders didn’t suspect anything and entrusted Knipkamp chassis design. There were rumors that when Aders saw prototype first type he had gobbled two packs of validol. Then he concealed three most square-built engineers in his office, put his nominal Walther P-38 into suite’s pocket and called Knipkamp for face-to-face meeting.
- WTF? – chief engineer’s hands trembled visibly.
- Experimental sample of new progressive chassis! – unhealthy shining in engineer’s eyes scared Aders to such extent that he forgot about the P-38.
- But why FOUR rows???!!!!
- Because! This! Design! Provides! Smooth! Running! – three engineers sitting in wardrobe caught hysterical notes in Knipkamp’s voice and fainted away silently.
- We should deliver the tank in a month! – moaned Aders and began to estimate whether he will be sent to concentration camp or executed by shooting right away.
- Everybody will be in ecstasy! – assured Knipkamp.
It needs to be said that after presentation of second prototype Ministry of Arms decided to share risks and charge Porsche to develop heavy tank also. Fortunately for Allies Porsche had their own cockroaches in his head. Ferdinand Porsche liked various electrical doodads therefore he choose not a rudimentary Maybach as an engine for his monster but build entire line of gas engine, generator and electric motor. To complete the picture it needs to say that each driving wheel has its own motor so amount of generators and electric motor installed reached six. There were rumors that after project presentation some of the employees enlisted in Wehrmacht and satisfied with themselves gone to Poland. The most smart guys escaped to France and enlisted to Resistance. Meanwhile Germany invaded into USSR. In early July of 1941 Porsche and Aders were summoned to Kummersdorf. Guderian arrived for hour from the front met them right at the car, embraced them gently and drive them to some hangar.
- So, gentlemen , what would you say about it?- Heinz’s voice were so honeyed that it could be spread on the bread instead of strawberry jam.
- Donnerwetter! – Aders sit down and Porsche seize his heart.
Smoked monsters without tracks, with armor which reminds moon landscape stayed in the middle of hangar.
- What is this? – Porsche spoke hoarsely.
- This? What is this? – Guderian voice were sweeter than saccharin – Ouch it’s very interesting thing! This is Russian heavy tank. Half of 6th Division fired at him but it stopped only when fuel exhausted. Leeb had gone into hysteric. And now!…….
Temperature in hangar had fallen by 10 degrees in one second. Aders searched for Manstein wistfully… Todt and Schpeer dragged Guderian off. He was trying to break free and shouting
- Arsch mit Ohren!!! This Bierfickeren are making w.c. pans with tracks and call it “tanks”! Mit solchen Arschloecher werde ich bald fertig! Todt, bitch, free me, I will rip their arsch. When great German nation under the direction of great Fuhrer…….
When he spoke these word Todt and Schpeer have made “Heil Hitler” and let him out and he beats down engineers by his legs. When he got tired he adjusts his uniform and says:
- So, Arschlochen. You have seen Russian tank. If my brave guys won’t get the same tank, no, better tank – I will pull off your Eier. No, I will call Himmler and tell him that you are concealed Juden.
Engineers had swept bloody snot and drown the conclusions. Work was in progress at accelerated tempo. Very soon it became clear that 75mm gun which was intended to be installed onto Aders tank is a very good gun but it has very exotic armor piercing round which contains about 1kg of tungsten. Tungsten in Reich was such strategic raw stock that gun’s constructors were sent to Eastern Front immediately and Aders had very unpleasant conversation with “Daddy” Muller. Aders had to go to Porsche and wheedle to him to get spare turret. This turret had 8.8cm tank gun installed which was a 8.8cm Flak in its previous life. This was very powerful gun however tankmen will notice later more than once that as enemy aircrafts appear over battlefield then Tiger begins to pull up barrel and twist his turret in inexplicable manner. April 20th, 1942 one sample from each design bureau were delivered to Hitler’s headquarters in Eastern Prussia. During the unloading brave Porsche guys stick his tank into the ground. Sly Henschel guys unloaded their one with 70-tons crane. This fact caused the attack of inexplicable anxiety on the tankmen attended to presentation, especially technicians. Tanks were shown to Hitler and he decorated Porsche with Iron Cross at once. After that, tanks were driven a little. Porsche’s tank drives fast but when turning it puts circles wider than “Lancaster”. Henschel’s tank drives slowly but turns on the spot. At this time its engine overheats so it requires to rinse it with liquid nitrogen. For the further tests tanks were delivered to the proving ground Berk. Electric transmission of Porsche’s tank burns permanently, fuse boxes were being knocked out and tank smells of burnt isolation. After the examination Fuhrer came to engineers.
- Ferdi, what engine is installed on your tank? – Fuhrer tapped Porsche on the shoulder gently. Porsche began to explain his electric transmission organization. Fuhrer slightly changed countenance.
- Electric?! Ferdi, are you crazy? There is no so many batteries for your elephant in the whole Reich! What is its cruising range? 50 km? And then? Drive on charging plant? Gasoline engines!!?? FERDINAND ARE YOU FUCKING IDIOT???? Two engines on the tank? Wait, not two? How many??? SIX?????? Give me carpet!!!!!!
Fuhrer chewed the doormat bring by aide, calmed slightly and gave Porsche a kleenex:
- Nevermind, Ferdi, I love you anyway. You just get overtired. Go to the Alps or to Paris, get a rest and then I will charge you with another work – I have an idea. I called him “Baby mouse”.
Hitler began to laugh and directed his steps to Aders.
- So what do you have for me here… What the fuck???
- Rollers – hysterically and cheerfully reported Aders.
- I see that this is rollers! Why FOUR rows?
- For the smooth running! Developed by our engineers under my control! This is the fruitage of the Aryan Genius! This allows tank to fire in motion!
- So you want to tell me that it was impossible before? – asked Fuhrer.
Aders knows clearly that the tank could fire in motion, stopped, being fallen, being upturned – the only thing required is that the shell should be placed into the breech. However to fire and to hit the target are very different things. But it was too late to go back on his words.
- Impossible, mein Fuhrer! When tank is jumping, round could get stuck in the barrel due to jerk!
Because Aders had paid much money to all tankmen present there previously and promised to relieve them of sending them to the Eastern Front they had confirmed his word all together and the tank was added to German’s armory. From this minute misfortunes of allied tankmen and German repairmen began. But this is the second story…